Short and sweet. But how do you capture years of torment, frustration, and hurt in a few short words? It might seem melodramatic but comfort and fear go hand in hand. So, no, I wasn’t dying, but I wasn’t comfortable and I was afraid and that was enough to break down the spirit. Adolescence heightens all emotions and I was no stranger as a shy, tomboy, middle schooler transitioning to high school. But it was after high school when the rollercoaster of emotional breakdown took off. That’s when fear really showed its colors.
You don’t really see your own web until you step back and take a look at it. The edges, the gleam in the light, the pathways leading to other pathways, perfectly designed to keep you in awe, and perfectly designed to trap. It wasn’t until a year ago, at 27, that I finally opened up and saw my web for what it really was. Trapped inside were emotions that I did not want to deal with, emotions I ran from, and a self that I did not want to be anymore. Was I really still not okay in my own skin? Was I really still hiding from the world? Guard up? I guess so. Scary.
Then the walls crumble. It was time to break out of this web or die there, lifeless, and wondering how I got there and why I never broke free. I was so scared. It was comfortable, that web. It was warm and familiar. Comfort and fear. But it was time to slip into a new comfort and come to my knees in the face of fear and allow it to engulf me. I needed that vulnerability that fear brings about. I needed to feel it, breathe it, and make it mine. So I did and here I am. Still scared and not always comfortable, but now I own it. Now it’s mine.
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